‘Out’ (2021)

The day of release is, uh, quite, um, a mix of emotions. So you’re sitting in your cell, um, waiting to be released. So, um, that is absolutely full of excitement and, um, you’re running on nervous energy, you’re, um, you know, about to be released, um, and then, sort of, you move through the system, takes about an hour to be actually fully released. And then, um, you’re released, just, out into the world and, um, that can be, ugh, an amazing feeling, probably one of the most, um… I don’t know, I can’t even explain, I’m seeing it in my head, but, you know, I can’t explain the, um, the joy that comes with being… when the door is unlocked and, um, you know that you’re, you’re allowed to walk out the door. And, so then, you walk into a car park. Um, If you’re lucky someone will be there to greet you, if not, um, you hop on a bus and you join the rest of society. 

And, um, I have been released in my jail greens before, which is not great… um… Great feeling, then a feeling of shame, um, as you are released, um, into public transport in jail greens. So, that can be quite hard. On the other side, if you do have someone waiting there for you, absolutely amazing, you know, to hug, um, someone that’s not, that you haven’t seen, you know? So… that you haven’t… I mean… I have seen… Both, my mum and dad have both picked me up before and, um, ugh, just so amazing. So, you move through that, that initial part, I guess, then, the first thing that you would do, um, I don’t smoke, but I know a lot of the girls go to Woolworths and buy cigarettes, um, that’s definitely on their top priority. Um, so, for me, I went to buy clothes, um, you know, Big W, Kmart, just anything really to, um, be out of… because whether the… I mean, so, you could be released in your jail greens or you could be released in the clothes that you were arrested in, or, um, sometimes if you know that your release date is coming up, you can apply to Services to have clothes, um, brought in.

I probably spent most of my time crying. Um, you know, so, um… ‘cause you don’t actually process, well, very rarely do you process any of the emotions or, um, the behaviours or the actions that um, that you have been incarcerated for. I don’t know. I think you just spend a lot of your time in there waiting to be released. That when you are released you just, I guess you’re, um, like, smacked in the face with what you’ve done. I’ve been released from custody, um… six times, I’ve been released. So, um, it can really go either way, the second month. Um, I guess the first few times that I was released, um, the second month was um… well, I don’t even know if I made it to a second month, actually. I’m pretty sure that I was probably arrested again. I can’t even remember how long I would spend out of jail, but, um… So, the second month can, um, be almost like you are right back where you started: on the run, avoiding people, um… avoiding anything, actually. Just, um… Or the second month, um, can be quite beautiful, where you’re actually waking up from this, um…  You know, you have, I had, this last time that I was released, um, my life had been, I mean, not put back together, but, the second month, um, I hadn’t re-offended, so I wasn’t worried about, um, going back to jail. Though, I was still on bail, so I still had court coming up. Um… Ugh, what does the second month look like? Yeah, it can look quite hopeful, uh, or it can be exactly like the week before going to prison. Um, yeah, it’s just such a… It is such a make or break. Um, I guess the first month can set you up to be, um, a change in life, or the first month can set the second month up to be exactly the same as before you go to prison.

I think that, on release, I think that we need, um, housing. I think that, um, to be set up with people that we’re comfortable with before we’re released, so that when we are released that we have, um, a connection with, with, a support in the community that we feel okay to call, um, and to ask for help. Um, I think that we definitely could, um, you know, do more courses on boundaries and self esteem and self worth and, you know… That people do care and that you do matter, and people do have time for you. Um, yeah, I… and definitely housing. Um, and I think that good, you know, uh, mental health, mental health, uh, access to mental health services, access to, um, you know, people that will take you to a coffee shop and sit and have a cup of tea with you, as you’re normal person, because we are normal human beings. We are human. So, um, you know, to be, to be out, in the public with somebody else that is happy to just sit and chat with you for half an hour is, um, yeah, it’s pretty important, I think. 

Um, how do you feel about that conversation? Are you, um… Is there anything that’s come up for you that you would like to be able to talk about now, um, that we didn’t touch on? Um, also, no pressure, because if you think of it…

No, no, that’s fine. So I would love for the women that are doing long-term sentences, you know… yes they, um, made mistakes, but they are now serving, you know, 18-plus years for things that we all could have done. We all, you know, like, just in split decisions, they’ve… So I, I would really like, you know, them to know that people care.