Well, today we have a very special porn expert with us: female cum.
Cum, as she likes to be known, wrote to me recently, complaining of the marginalisation of female pleasure and the need for a detailed, biologically-correct account of the orgasm. I thought this was a splendid idea, so I asked Cum to write me a short account of her experiences watching pornography, so that we might all better understand her perspective on this experience. Here it is below my sweets, do enjoy!
Hey E, ya excellent queen of eating out! Princess of Sacred Shining White Knickers. So me and She had a quickie before netball practice and I recorded myself. Get WET…
[Opening of laptop]
Grrrrrblublublubssshhhaaaaaaaa Ah ….Ah! Hey peeps!!!! Fuck yeah, I’m here!
[Opening private tabs]
Ohhhh yeahhh….get me through here – get me through those WALLS!! She’s going there, she’s gonna do it! I’m gettin’ some poonTANG today!
[Googling ‘Couple Sex Vids’]
Uhuh tried and true (ethical search, no Thai gangbangs, she’s a good girl)…yep yep yep, click that pornsite… I’m slidin’! Slip slip slidin’ down getting down there to the fun spots…
[Clicking Play: ‘Hot Couple in Full Sex Passion’]
Probably prime time to formally introduce myself: you won’t know this because of course I’m a fucking cisfemale operation and not part of the patriarchal-fucking-White-Western-medical-knowledge-primitive-stethoscopic-prodding-phallic-system that runs on dick-sperm and womb-myths, but I’m a really important part of sex. I’m female cum! I’m your lubricant, ladies, and your pleasure (and for you bloody princes of hetero-norms, beneficiaries of regulated banging). Nice to meet you.
As the white coats like to say: “plasma seepage from vaginal walls due to vascular engorgement is considered to be the chief lubrication source.” Sexy.
I’m told I’m a little acidic (that’s true). And as the medicos (that can be bothered talking about me) like to say – I’m water, pyridine, squalene, urea, acetic acid, lactic acid, complex alcohols and glycols, ketones and aldehydes. Yup. All that good stuff. Fruity tang, glazed donut, condensed milk. Eat…that..pusss-EYYYYY!!!
[Movie plays… blow job …“Ahhh yeah”…”Put it there!”…]
Fingeeeeeee! Fingeee me mate! Yeah! The Big F! Expert mouse clicker and clit flicker. Where you been? I’ve been waiting. Heard about the paper cut, now don’t go soft on me huh? Lets go carpel tunnel on this shit. CAR-PEL TUNNEL!!!!!
Good. Good. Oh yeah. That’s right. Bossa nova… then staccato…
Fings! Yeah! Let’s joint venture, let’s incorporate, let’s FUCKING COLLABORATE! Sprrrrreeeaaad me. Move me around, I’m the spac filler to your fucking Better Homes bedazzled gold leaf glory hole!
Oh don’t worry about it girl! I smell gooooood! I give your undies CHARACTER. Stroke that vag girl, shuck that oyster! Yeahhhh. Oh, I can feel I’m all over her now, let’s get Teflon! I’m coating her, all the fun folds… it’s getting WET in here!
Set that finger in motion! Oh, the rhythm…. Gah. I love this part, I’m surging and slipping and sliding, I’m ….dlkfjodiginboisoigoidjglkslkjljkn.
She’s seen the power play, the final grind. The thrust and grab and hold…The release…She COMES!!!! Hmmmmm..MMMMmmmm…
GAhhhhh that was so goooood! Just gonna rest a while here getting crusty…
Now let’s play some NETBALL!
Friends, smell ya soon!